


illusions

by Thomas_Fooll



Category: Polygon/McElroy Vlogs & Podcasts RPF
Genre: AU, Anxiety, M/M, UST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:09:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27629323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thomas_Fooll/pseuds/Thomas_Fooll
Summary: Sometimes the only way to win is to give up. So he does.
Relationships: Brian David Gilbert/Patrick Gill
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	illusions

Hello, that's Brian's brain completely giving up. You see, there hadn't been such thing as panic attacks in his life before New York hit him with its damned chaos. Coming back to Baltimore and seeing old friends becomes the most painful revelation in his life, you know, with all of them either saying out loud or implying just how much he had changed. Hello, hi, yeah, Brian's brain's here and it's completely fucking messed up. Brian drinks three pints this evening and texts Pat for some reason. Like, you know, something between the lines of:

'Hey, wanna go to this live music night at Central Park? The one in August?'

The answer ceases to follow. In fact, Pat Gill is probably just already asleep at 2 o'clock in the morning, but that doesn't stop Brian's little self-hating motor from driving his train for thought directly to the Self-Deprecationland. He questions his every decision and barely sleeps that night, turning his phone off at 7 AM just to get some sleep without the urge to check on his DM's every ten-ish seconds. Pat Gill doesn't answer until 11 o'clock in the morning, and when he does, Brian's brain, heart and bones all crumble simultaneously, it feels as if anxiety has pushed all of his organs up to his lungs, and this shifty, meaty, disgusting lump of intestines might just suffocate him from inside if that's even possible. Pat Gill doesn't answer until 11 o'clock in the morning, and when he does, it's definitely not the answer that Brian has fantasized about. At. All.

'First of all, if you wanna go just the two of us, I won't be able to make you a good company emotionally and all that

But if you still wanna hang out lemme call Simone, Jenna and Clay, they might wanna join'

Hi, that's Brian's brain, I'm ceasing to function, can I speak to Brian's heart? No? Oh, it's sinking, I see. His ex sits on a porch of his mum's house with him and quietly mumbles: "Told you it's a bad idea". Then she proceeds to psychoanalyse his whole personality, while the anxiety settles in. Simone texts him later:

'You asked Pat out, didn't you?'

She knows Brian better than his mum does, and that's fucked up. She knows Brian better that Brian does himself, and that's why she reluctantly agrees to not only come to the music night, but also promises to bring along Jenna and some theatre people she knows. Simone is the best fucking character in whole this mess, and, to be honest, Brian has never been so thankful for having her. Hi, hello, that's Brian's heart. He comes back to New York with that anxiety dictating its rules of life. He's suffocating in here, hi, choking on fresh air just outside his apartment complex. And that's when it comes: the pain in the chest and awful feeling right in his tearducts. Patrick Gill is not responsible for this, don't assume anything. Patrick Gill is the most ordinary extraordinary person Brian has ever met, and it'd be ridiculous if it turned out to be his fault, but. Brian's heart aches every time he sees this name pop up on Twitter or Instagram. Brian's heart sinks below the ground while his brain keeps repeating in Pat's voice: "First of all, if you wanna go just the two of us, I won't be able to make you a good company emotionally and all that-" Like, why would he, really? And that's definitely not the first time Brian had been rejected by Pat Gill or anybody in this matter, but this one, for the first time in fucking years, hurts like a real bitch. Have some dignity, have some respect for yourself, you little piece of shit. Simone texts him:

'Hey, fyi: Pat has an off-day next Wednesday, just thought it might be helpful.'

And when he answers her with a simple 'Okay', she throws a temper tantrum, pissed off by Brian's mood and. Hello there, Brian's fucking heart is going to explode any second, how is he supposed to fucking react?! For some reason Pat Gill is a huge fucking deal, and Simone doesn't know yet, but Brian messed everything up without any chance to make a comeback. Simone throws a temper tantrum and calls him a dick, and then asks if he wants her to come over and make him play Witness, and he agrees, even though nothing seems to be helpful in making him feel less miserable, so why would this one work?

Simone comes over, drinks wine and quietly looks at him with concern, helping along with the puzzles. She breathes in and out so loudly that Brian's fingers curl up in response. Brian's completely on the edge, and he isn't sure whether it's just his anxiety or if it's Pat Gill slowly detangling his brain.

Messiah's Handbook tells him, that his best way to win is to give up, and that true love comes in a form of memories and self-reflection, and so Brian tries his best to do it, but giving up and especially reflecting is not something that he is trained to do, and there's always something crawling up his windpipe that's just distracting him enough to start caring again. Simone comes over, drinks wine and looks at him with concern, but that moment is filled with determination from Brian's side, and that distresses him more than any lost argument ever could. He manages to stop, and - for a brief second - the feeling overwhelms him, as he tries to hold onto it. He doesn't really care about Patrick Gill, yeah, and the music night is going to be just them hanging out with their friends, so why should he bother?

Brian has a goddamn addiction, okay? Pat Gill tells him in the office a couple days before Brian leaves for Baltimore: "Don't suppress things, okay? It makes me self-conscious about our conversations, and I feel like moving away."

Brian agrees, but, fucking hell, what is there now? His fucking non-suppressed behaviour has ruined everything, and now his chest hurts even more? He comes back to New York and here they are: anxiety and panic attacks are, like, the closest friends of his, and he's just coping, okay? Pat Gill cannot do anything to get rid of them, but for some reason it seems to Brian that they could go away if the closure comes.

The closure doesn't come, Pat Gill tells him: "You should work through this 'addiction' then." Like, wow, he knows, thanks so much.

Pat Gill tells him: "Look, you're one of my closest friends. It's better we stay that way." And Brian's chest bursts into flames, he chokes on cold office air, nonchalantly leaning onto the edge of his desk in an attempt to keep his balance.

Pat Gill tells him: "I hate to tell you this, you know it yourself, but it just makes things harder for everyone." And Brian almost cries, knowing perfectly well that that's exactly the point.

When Brian leaves for Baltimore, Jenna, Simone and Clay follow him up to passport control. Pat Gill comes to see him but insists on staying just near the entrance. His eyes are dark from the lack of sleep, and Brian's chest is tight from this sight. For some reason it feels like Brian's not leaving for just two weeks, but for years, and somehow it turns out exactly that way, and coming back to the Big Apple he never gets to see Pat Gill again.

He turns off every device he can, he shuts himself off and up, turns off notifications for each and every social media app he can, and calls this mode Anxiety-free on his health app, and the music he listens to when Simone leaves with her 'Witness and wine' (trademark) tastes of rain water, and moist climate, and winters in Baltimore, when (where?) he can suddenly function without distractions. His inspiration comes back, and he writes a whole video in one sitting, like he used to do three or four years ago, god, so much time has passed. Pat Gill does not bother him, and neither does anxiety. It just goes the fuck away, and so he's left alone to ponder about his own role in his own life, and there's no place Pat Gill really fits. It hurts, and then it doesn't.

He gives up, and that's the only way to win. So - he does.


End file.
